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@harrisonqian / Connection & Community Playbook / wiki/relationship-maintenance.md
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--- visibility: public-edit --- # relationship maintenance systems how to actually maintain relationships at scale without it feeling like a chore. [[building-community|building a community]] gets people in the door; this page is about keeping them close. the system should feel like a natural extension of caring about people, not a sales pipeline. --- ## the tiered relationship system not all relationships need the same frequency. trying to maintain weekly contact with 100 people will burn you out and annoy half of them. instead: tier your relationships by desired frequency. ### the tiers **tier 1 — weekly (5-10 people)** your closest people. the ones you'd call at 2am. this tier doesn't need a system; it happens naturally. if it's not happening, the relationship might not be tier 1. **tier 2 — monthly (15-25 people)** strong relationships that need regular watering. a monthly check-in keeps these warm. a text, a voice memo, grabbing coffee, sending them something relevant. **tier 3 — quarterly (30-50 people)** people you like and respect but don't need frequent contact with. a quarterly ping — "saw this and thought of you," "how's [specific thing] going?" — keeps the connection alive. **tier 4 — annual (50-100+ people)** the long tail. a birthday message, a holiday note, a congratulations on a life event. the goal isn't deep connection — it's keeping the door open. ### the math at these frequencies, maintaining 124 contacts looks like: - 8 tier 1 × weekly = 8 touches/week - 20 tier 2 × monthly = 5 touches/week - 40 tier 3 × quarterly = 3 touches/week - 56 tier 4 × annual = 1 touch/week that's ~17 touchpoints per week, or about 2-3 per day. most of these are a quick text. totally doable. --- ## what a "touchpoint" actually looks like this is not about sending generic "checking in!" messages. each tier has natural touchpoint styles. ### low-effort, high-signal - **the relevant share:** "saw this article about [their interest] and thought of you" — shows you remember what they care about - **the reaction:** reply to their instagram story or tweet with something specific, not just an emoji — [[online-community|online interactions]] count as real touchpoints - **the congratulations:** "congrats on [specific thing]" when they post about a milestone - **the recommendation:** "you should check out [thing] — feels right up your alley" ### medium-effort - **the voice memo:** 60 seconds of genuine update. more personal than text, less commitment than a call. - **the question:** "hey, you know a lot about [topic] — quick question: [question]." people love being asked for their expertise. - **the invite:** "i'm going to [[event-formats|an event]] on friday — want to come?" including people is the easiest form of generosity. - **the introduction:** "you and [person] should know each other because [specific reason]." — see [[introductions]] for the full double opt-in playbook. ### high-effort (reserve for tier 1-2) - **the gift:** doesn't need to be expensive. a book you loved, something related to their hobby, a joke gift referencing an inside joke. - **the in-person visit:** traveling to see someone, or making time when you're in their city. --- ## tracking with Dex I use Dex as my personal CRM — 124+ contacts, tiered. it syncs with linkedin, email, and social media, auto-updates contact info when people change jobs. the browser extension integrates with linkedin and gmail so you can add notes in context. the columns that matter most: - tier (1-4) - last contacted / next contact due - what they care about (the most important column) - open threads (things you talked about that you can follow up on) if a full CRM feels heavy, a spreadsheet with these same columns works fine. the tool matters less than the habit. see [[books-resources]] for deeper reading on relationship systems. --- ## deliberate relationship repair sometimes relationships drift or break. the instinct is to let them fade, but many are worth repairing — especially when the distance was circumstantial, not personal. ### the startup internship experience during a neurotech startup internship, relationships with a couple of teammates needed repair. the approach that worked: **one-on-one walks.** not a confrontation, not a group setting. walking side by side, talking about what happened, no agenda beyond reconnecting. ### why walks work for repair - side-by-side is less confrontational than face-to-face - movement reduces tension - no time pressure (unlike a scheduled meeting) - the physical activity gives you something to do during silences ### the repair framework 1. **acknowledge the gap.** "we haven't talked in a while. i wanted to change that." simple, direct, no guilt-tripping. 2. **take responsibility for your part.** even if it's just "i should have reached out sooner." this creates safety. 3. **ask, don't assume.** "how have you been? what's been going on?" don't project your narrative onto their experience. 4. **make the next step concrete.** "want to grab coffee next wednesday?" vague "we should hang out" goes nowhere. ### when not to repair - if the relationship was actually toxic - if the other person has clearly signaled they don't want contact - if you're only reaching out because you need something --- ## common failure modes **over-systematizing:** if your CRM feels like a sales funnel, you've gone too far. the system should remind you to reach out. the actual interaction should be genuine. **frequency mismatch:** reaching out weekly to someone who's a quarterly relationship feels like stalking. if someone takes 2 weeks to respond, they're probably tier 3-4, not tier 1-2. **the "checking in" trap:** "hey, just checking in!" is the emptiest possible message. always include something specific — a question, a share, a reference to something you last talked about. **guilt spirals:** you'll miss weeks. you'll let touchpoints slip. don't let guilt about a missed month turn into six months of avoidance. just reach out. "it's been a while — been thinking about you" always works. **treating it like networking:** the goal is not to "build a network." the goal is to maintain relationships with people you genuinely care about. if you're reaching out to someone only because they might be useful, stop. they can tell.