Suggest edit — pattern-recognition

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# how mentors spot what you can't see about yourself

one of the most unsettling things about good mentors is they can read you before you can read yourself. during my time at a [[neurotech startup|signal-processing-workflow]], i got to see this from multiple angles — being read, learning to read others, and watching the founders read each other.

## the read on me

when i asked a cofounder what the read on me was during hiring, the answer was blunt:

- "just woke up a couple of months ago, now is half awake"
- "lots of potential"
- "kinda like a young version of [another person there]"
- "either fully wake you up or set you on a good path"

less than 1% of people they talked to got invited for even a week. the fact that they saw something in me that i couldn't yet see in myself was both flattering and destabilizing. i didn't know what "half awake" meant until i experienced what "awake" felt like.

## the failure mode stack

when i brought up a bunch of ideas for improving the org (honesty culture, feedback systems, guided reflections), one mentor responded with something i think about a lot:

coping can be classified into a stack:
- first order: make mistakes and grow
- second order: make mistakes and grow while under crazy pressure to perform
- third order: understand how to make mistakes while under pressure for the most growth

he was seeing that i was at first order, trying to jump to third. the insight was that i needed to experience the pressure first before i could optimize around it.

## reading people as a skill

"reading people is a really good skill. you can also refine it by just telling your read of them to them."

i tried this. i gave my reads on coworkers:
- one person: crazy hard worker, slightly less active in certain ways
- another: very active, sometimes too active in pushing ideas
- a third: not very active, sometimes so inactive it felt off-brand

the response was "good reads." and then: "what about on me and the other cofounder?" so i said it — one was an unbeatable force, the other a bit arrogant and spread thin.

the fact that he didn't flinch at the feedback was the lesson. [[disagreeing productively|disagreeing-productively]] means being honest about what you see, even upward.

## what mentors see that you can't

- **tunneling.** you get stuck in a local optimum and can't see the bigger picture. the easy solution is to talk to people and have them ground you.
- **vague fears vs clear fears.** clear fears are good to act on. vague and murky fears are often irrational. mentors help you figure out which is which.
- **the gap between wanting and doing.** i thought i was being intentional. they could see i wasn't — that i was doing unimportant tasks while important ones sat there.
- **inconsistencies.** i found many inconsistencies between what different people at the org told me. that itself was a pattern-recognition lesson: people's stated beliefs and actual behaviors diverge, and spotting that is a critical skill.

## the uncomfortable truth

the CEO once said: "i dont know what you want." that stung because i thought i was projecting clarity. the truth was i was projecting activity, not direction.

a mentor asking "what do you want?" repeatedly isn't small talk. it's the most important diagnostic question. if your answer keeps changing or stays vague, that's the pattern they're spotting.

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*see also: [[the agency talk|agency-talk]], [[asking good questions|asking-good-questions]], [[emotions and work|emotions-and-work]]*