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# social strategy: the graph search approach to people

the most useful social framework i learned came from a combination of startup mentors, a VC visitor, and my own experience reaching out to hundreds of people over several months.

## the node theory

"once you find a node, don't let go. good nodes bring you in flows of people." a startup cofounder framed networking as graph search:

- people are nodes
- connections are edges
- exceptional people tend to cluster
- finding one exceptional person gives you access to their entire cluster
- "when finding a node, chance that it's connected [to others] given that everyone is searching is very high"

a VC visitor had a similar model: building a talent search engine where people are valued by their connections and updated with new information. "have a lot of false positives — people who seem smart that aren't actually smart." the big question isn't avoiding false positives — it's avoiding false negatives (missing exceptional people).

## the event heuristic

"if there's even a 1% chance [of meeting someone exceptional], you should go."

some of the best connections came from mediocre events. the event quality doesn't determine the people quality — it's a search problem. go, find the interesting people, ignore the rest.

practical: arrive with an intention. "when going to event, have an intention." not "i'll network" — something specific like "i want to find 2 people working on X" or "i want to practice presenting my project."

## the reach-out system

"just reach out. lots of people are very cool. ignore the not cool ones."

my approach evolved:
1. find interesting people (through events, mutual connections, online presence)
2. reach out with something specific (not "let's chat" — "i saw your work on X, i'm working on something related")
3. have a 15-30 minute conversation
4. follow up within 24 hours
5. maintain the relationship with periodic check-ins

"spending time helping [a mentor] with his stuff" — the best relationships are mutual. find ways to be useful, not just to extract value.

a mentor: "open to chatting at least once every two weeks." this is the cadence that works — frequent enough to maintain momentum, infrequent enough to not be annoying.

## reading people

"reading people is a really good skill. you can also refine it by just telling your read of them to them."

learned at the startup: form a quick impression, then check it against reality.

things that are unreliable signals:
- credentials alone ("lots of programs are kinda just mid even though they have a lot of good stuff on their website")
- confidence alone ("unless you really know a person, they are probably less cool and less smart than you think")
- talking a big game without showing results

## the appreciation habit

"consistent with show appreciation. a friend very much has a good habit of being like 'i think you're cool, like your projects.'"

proactive appreciation is a superpower for relationship maintenance. tactics:
- take selfies with people at events, send them after
- mention specific conversation items and jokes in follow-ups ("kindness notes: mention specific things especially conversation items")
- do something special — personalized notes, custom format, anything that shows effort
- initiate appreciation circles at gatherings

"for appreciation of people, it's a bit hard for me — need to make it easier." the solution: mark moments of genuine appreciation in real-time (in notes) so you have specific things to reference later.

## the mutual growth model

the startup cofounder's life plan: "make the best team. grow alongside them. be able to grow them the best, and understand them the best. synergy is crazy powerful."

this reframed social strategy from "networking for opportunities" to "building a growth ecosystem." the people around you aren't resources — they're compounding assets, just like the [[stocks metaphor|the-stocks-metaphor]] applied to relationships.

"there is a need for mutual willingness to spend time together. it matters. hard to make friends so if someone good, hold on. also bouncing ideas + creative flow that comes with talking to people."

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*see also: [[social wins|social-wins]], [[asking good questions|asking-good-questions]], [[the stocks metaphor|the-stocks-metaphor]]*