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--- visibility: public --- # Jacob's tutorial > 🚧 **Draft / work in progress.** Editing live. Canonical examples and source attributions are still being tightened. *A practical guide to Nonviolent Communication and the Conscious Leadership "above/below the line" frame. Drawn from a talk I gave on a sailboat to a group of VCs and operators on 2026-05-29; rewritten as a standalone tutorial. The phrasings are mine — keep an eye out for the ones in **bold**, they're the ones I'd want on the back cover.* **Companion reading:** [my curated NVC connector doc](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1uoQyGrv65mv09jkBCnNOlKlFfMS4mrNPClTk33UXeas/mobilebasic) — quotes, the 6-minute Marshall "Giraffe Language and Jackal Language" talk, the 2-hour talk, feelings/needs lists, the [NVC Translator](https://nvctranslator.com), and pointers into the book. The line I'd put on the inside cover, from Marshall himself: > *"Please do as I requested, only if you can do so with the joy of a little child feeding a hungry duck. Please do not do as I request if there is any taint of fear of punishment if you don't. Please do not do as I request to buy my love, that, is hoping that I will love you more if you do. Please do not do as I request if you will feel guilty if you don't. Please do not do as I request if you will feel shameful. And certainly do not do as I request out of any sense of duty or obligation."* > > — Marshall B. Rosenberg That's the whole spirit of it. --- ## Start here If you're someone with a logical, programming mind and you've ever felt like emotional conversations were a different operating system from the one you run on — *Nonviolent Communication* by **Marshall Rosenberg** is the bridge. It's an extraordinary text. **It's almost like a program.** It gives you a language you can take and apply to matters of the heart, morality, virality, collective intelligence, plurality — without giving up the precision your brain wants. The first time I read the book I didn't quite get it. The second time, I got it. You'll get it immediately — you totally think in these frameworks. Get the physical book. Get the audiobook. **It's gonna change your life. I'm not even kidding.** It changed my inner monologue — that's the biggest thing. **It altered my relationship with myself.** About 50% of executive coaches in the Bay Area recommend it. Henry Lieberman built a whole specialty around it at the MIT Media Lab. Marshall mediated Israel-Palestine and a lot of Africa. He was a Jewish guy who showed up in Palestine in the 70s, where people threw rocks at him, and by the end of it they were his friends. Here's how it works. --- ## Where it came from Marshall Rosenberg grew up in 1940s Detroit — a dangerous community, but he had a very loving family. There was racial tension, and he was Jewish, so anti-Semitism. He wasn't very religious himself, but he witnessed a lot of conflicts between ethnic groups. He became a psychologist — a classic Western psychologist — and his core realization was that all the Western psychology he was facing was not speaking to what he saw. He'd gotten very good at pathologizing people with mental illness and judging people, and he noticed: > **Judgment is very important as a way to navigate the world, but it does not succeed at helping us understand and connect with what's going on in someone's heart — which is also important, in a separate game to play.** Once you do that — once you separate judging-the-world from connecting-with-a-heart — you can enter a state of more creative possibility finding. He started teaching this in the 1960s, around the same time Africa was liberating and a lot was happening. He spawned a lineage of people who followed him, including the movement called **Compassionate Communication**. --- ## The framework At any point in time, every person is feeling certain feelings, because certain basic human needs are either met or not met. The feelings and the needs are universal — we all share the same vocabulary. **The five feelings:** > **sad · mad · glad · scared · numb** **The seven needs:** > **connection · physical well-being · integrity · play · peace · autonomy · meaning** That's the whole vocabulary. Five categories of feeling, seven categories of need. **The needs are not ranked.** This is the first thing to unlearn. Maslow's hierarchy says food and safety come before belonging, which come before self-actualization — a pyramid, climbed bottom-up. NVC doesn't carry that model. Marshall didn't, as far as I know, make Maslow the target. But NVC people do push against the pyramid. Miki Kashtan, one of the senior teachers in the lineage, gives the clean counterexamples: > *"People regularly override certain needs in order to fulfill others, most dramatically demonstrated in the willingness to die for a cause… people and groups who are suffering from oppression and harsh conditions nonetheless find outlets for art and personal expression which would not be possible if their basic survival needs were a prerequisite to other needs being pursued."* > > — Miki Kashtan, *The What and the Why in Human Needs* Hunger strikers override their need for food in service of their need for meaning. Artists under occupation override their need for safety in service of their need for expression. The need for connection often outweighs the need for physical well-being — in both directions, healthy and unhealthy. So when you're trying to read what's alive for someone, **don't assume they care about the "lower" thing first.** Someone's feeling sad because their need for *play* isn't met. Someone else is feeling scared because their need for *physical well-being* isn't met. Both are real. The categories sit beside each other, not on top of each other. The framework that uses this vocabulary is exactly four moves, in order: > **observation → feeling → need → request** When you talk to someone using that order, you're never going to get in trouble. We'll work through it. The thing I love most about this is how mechanical it is: > **Yes, it is so mechanical that you can do it and know exactly if you're doing it wrong. You can do it like a robot and it still works.** You don't need to feel inspired. You just need to follow the order. --- ## Three secrets NVC has more than three principles, but if you only remember three, remember these. ### Secret 1 — the needs are yours, not theirs When you name a need, **the need is yours, not a need you have *for* someone else**. This is the trickiest thing for most people. You can't say *"I have a need for you to have integrity."* That's not how it works. What you can say is *"I have a need for **my own** integrity. I have a need for safety. I'm feeling wary, because right now I'm not sure I can trust what you're saying, and therefore I feel unsafe."* You don't have a need for *their* integrity. You have a need for *your* connection, *your* safety, *your* peace — and your strategy for meeting it involves something they're doing or not doing. That distinction sounds small. It changes everything. ### Secret 2 — you can meet every need on your own > **There's not a single need that you cannot meet entirely on your own.** This is the freedom-giving one. If someone isn't providing the level of connection you want, or the level of safety you want, or whatever — it's never *their* responsibility, at the end of the day, to meet your needs. It's *your* job. Either fix the situation, or go somewhere else where your needs are more met. Important caveat: this is about *needs*, not about *strategies*. Of course you can ask other people for connection, safety, support — that's a strategy. The point is just that the *need itself* isn't owed to you by anyone. You're free to invite, request, and connect. You're not free to demand. When you internalize this, you feel a lot more agency. ### Secret 3 — "should" and "have to" are not the language of life Marshall tells the story of a teacher who said *"I hate assigning grades, but I have to."* Marshall said: **whenever you notice you say *should* or *have to*, you're not speaking in the language of life itself.** When you say *"I have to do something, I must do something"* — no, you have more agency than that. Here's how you say it instead: > *"I hate giving grades. I feel sad and angry when I give grades. And I don't want to get fired, because I have a need for safety. So I choose to give grades because I don't want to get fired."* You still give the grades. But you've chosen. There's a world of difference between *"I have to give grades"* and *"I choose to give grades because I don't want to get fired."* --- ## The "refuse to confuse" rule Almost all interpersonal trouble comes from confusing three pairs of things. You have to **refuse to confuse**: 1. Your *feelings* from your *pseudo-feelings* (the ones wrapped up in stories). 2. Your *needs* from your *strategies* to meet those needs. 3. Your *observations* from your *judgments*. If you can keep those clean, life gets a lot better for you and everybody else. --- ## Worked example 1 — the parent and the homework A parent says to their child: *"You are lazy and never do your homework."* That's a judgment and an observation, fused. The judgment is up for debate — *am I lazy? am I always lazy?* The observation is what actually happened. Separate them. Here's how: > *"When I noticed you not doing your homework, I felt concerned, because my need for contribution to your life — and my need for harmony in our family — I'm scared that need isn't gonna get met."* That's more honest. **Which has greater ontological status?** The judgment *"you are lazy"* (debatable), or the inarguable statement *"you did not do your homework, and I'm feeling scared"* (not debatable, and openable)? The second one starts a real conversation. The first one starts a fight. --- ## Worked example 2 — the refugee camp ("Murderer!") This is the empathy-instead-of-apology one, and it's the most cinematic example in the book. Chapter 1 of *Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life*. Marshall is giving a talk at the Deheisha refugee camp in Bethlehem. He's American. The audience figures out he's American. A Palestinian man in the audience jumps up: > *"Murderer!"* Then a dozen other voices join in: > *"Assassin!" "Child-killer!" "Murderer!"* You can apologize. You can defend. You can leave. Marshall does none of those. He **guesses the feeling and the need** out loud, to the man: > **Rosenberg:** *"Are you angry because you would like my government to use its resources differently?"* The man: > *"Damn right I'm angry! You think we need tear gas? We need sewers, not your tear gas! We need housing! We need to have our own country!"* Marshall keeps guessing feelings and needs for nearly twenty minutes. He doesn't agree, disagree, apologize, or defend. **An hour later, the same man invites Marshall home for Ramadan dinner.** That's the punch of the framework. The man called him a murderer; Marshall observed the tear-gas-canister context, guessed the *feeling* (angry), guessed the *need* (resources used differently). He didn't apologize. He didn't defend. He didn't agree with the framing. He just **named what was alive.** > **You can do better than saying sorry.** If you can guess someone's feeling and need accurately — even one of each — they almost always say *"Yes. Exactly."* And then they tell you the rest, and you're in conversation instead of in conflict. **The pattern: observation → feeling → need.** You're never going to get in trouble doing that order. A request comes after — *would you be willing to…* — but only once they've been heard. --- ## Worked example 3 — Felix and the soiled socks This is the canonical four-move example from the book. Stupid-stakes, low-drama, walks the framework cleanly. Marshall uses it because everyone has a Felix in their life. > *"Felix, when I see two balls of soiled socks under the coffee table and another three next to the TV, I feel irritated because I am needing more order in the rooms that we share in common. Would you be willing to put your socks in your room or in the washing machine?"* > > — Marshall Rosenberg That's all four moves: 1. **Observation** — *"two balls of soiled socks under the coffee table and another three next to the TV."* Not *"you're a slob,"* not *"you always do this."* The actual countable thing. 2. **Feeling** — *"I feel irritated."* Not *"I feel like you don't respect me"* (that's a story dressed as a feeling). 3. **Need** — *"I am needing more order in the rooms that we share in common."* My need. Not "your need to be tidier." 4. **Request** — *"Would you be willing to put your socks in your room or in the washing machine?"* A doable, specific ask. Not *"you should clean up."* This is the form to memorize. Once you've said it this way, *for real,* a few dozen times, it stops feeling formal and starts feeling like air. And while we're here — the canonical "observation vs judgment" teaching is Ruth Bebermeyer's song, which Marshall quotes in Chapter 3: > *"I've never seen a lazy man; > I've seen a man who never ran while I watched him, > and I've seen a man who sometimes slept between lunch and dinner, > and who'd stay at home upon a rainy day, > but he was not a lazy man… > What some of us call lazy > some call tired or easy-going, > what some of us call stupid > some just call a different knowing."* > > — Ruth Bebermeyer And Marshall's favorite quote, which he attributes to (or paraphrases from) Krishnamurti: > *"Observing without evaluating is the highest form of human intelligence."* (Krishnamurti's actual phrasing usually circulates as *"The ability to observe without evaluating is the highest form of intelligence."* Marshall's version is the one that stuck in NVC circles.) That's the muscle the whole framework is built on. --- ## NVC across the political spectrum The real-world test of this stuff is whether it works on people very unlike you. It does. My own experience is two-fold. **One:** my family spans the political spectrum — from moderate (my immediate parents) to extremely leftist activists to pretty right-wing activists. My grandfather was a conservative judge. My dad's family is from Hollywood, five generations there. One of my uncles is a hippie — smoked lots of weed, got in trouble for it, very much pissed off his dad. **A lot of diversity, and they get along really, really well.** It's beautiful to witness, and NVC vocabulary is part of why. **Two:** I've spent a lot of time in communities where people are fast to hear harm, fast to name power, and not always fast to let you finish a sentence. NVC works there too. Slowly. Often via an ambassador (next section). But it works. The reason it works across the spectrum is that the vocabulary is human, not ideological. Everyone has the same five feelings and the same seven needs. The refugee camp story above is the strongest possible proof point — a hundred people calling Marshall a murderer turned into one of them inviting him home for dinner, inside an hour, with no apology and no argument. **Marshall Rosenberg's a wizard when he says things. I'm merely a baby wizard** — but the framework is so well-designed that even a baby wizard can use it without screwing it up too badly. --- ## The ambassador pattern (for hostile groups) When you need to mediate with a group that's pent-up, angry, or distrustful, you can't go straight at the group. You have to find an inside ambassador. > **You've got to get an ambassador who's inside the community.** Find the most friendly, reasonable person to talk to *them*, and then have *that* person talk to the rest of the community. If you skip this step you'll get pent-up anger. With the step, you get a translator who shares the group's trust and your framework. The hard question is *how do you cultivate the ambassador?* You usually find them by talking, listening, offering NVC empathy (next section), and letting them self-select. Don't try to recruit them. Make it easy for them to step forward. --- ## Use it on yourself This is the most powerful application and it's the one almost nobody starts with. > **You can do this to your own inner monologue. It's the most powerful thing. You can do the same thing to yourself.** That's how I changed my own inner monologue. It was pretty nice already, but it sometimes got off track. When I started realizing I had a voice that just wanted to rant, I gave it space to talk — with two parts of myself. One part empathized: observation, guess at the feeling, guess at the need. The other part did the ranting. They met. I came to inner harmony. If you only learn one thing from NVC, learn to do it on yourself first: *"What did I observe? What am I feeling? What need is alive? What request can I make of myself or the world?"* The Jedi mind tricks work on you exactly as well as they work on anybody else. > 📝 **#to-do — expand the self-empathy section.** Scratch notes (Jacob, verbatim, 2026-06-01): > > *"The same path of going into someone else's garden:* > > 1. *Doing observations* > 2. *Feelings* > 3. *Needs* > 4. *Requests* > > *Then doing it on your own, then helping to share your observations, feelings, needs, and requests. That's the basic routine, but it can be preceded by first self-empathizing and doing it on yourself, which clears you out. You clear out your system and get yourself to an emotionally clear and integrated state."* --- ## Above the line, below the line > 📝 **#to-do — add a transition sentence.** Welds NVC to above/below-the-line. Right now the gear shift is abrupt. This is from the **Conscious Leadership Group (CLG)** — a California outfit that's pretty private about their material, but they've published one trick I keep coming back to. When you're talking to someone, picture **a water line**. At any moment, the person is either above the line or below it. - **Below the line:** they're underwater, doing a task, neck-deep in code, drowning in a problem. **The last thing they want is constructive criticism. They want someone to help them finish the darn thing.** - **Above the line:** their head's out of the water. They can brainstorm, take constructive criticism, come up with new ideas, be creative, consider alternative viewpoints, empathize with another person. > **The first thing to notice whenever you talk to someone is: are they below the line or above the line?** If you're talking to someone knee-deep in code and they're below the line — **do not give them criticism.** Big idea: **be quiet, or help them get above the line first.** *Then* have the conversation. It might take a long time to get above the line. That's fine. This rule applies to your team, your partner, your kids, your friends, and yourself. Especially yourself. --- ## How to help someone who's below the line This is the live application of NVC. It's three moves. Don't skip ahead. ### Move 1 — empathize (Marshall Rosenberg's "step one — go into someone's garden") > **Simply say their observation, you guess what they're feeling, and you guess at their need.** Marshall calls this "going into someone's garden." It's the entry move. You don't have to be right — you just have to be in the ballpark. One feeling. One need. Said back to them out loud. A lot of people will go: *"yeah, I am feeling that way, and I am needing that."* You can hear it in their voice. They're like *"Oh my god, someone gets me."* They can let the emotion out. Sometimes they cry. Sometimes they go quiet. Sometimes they start talking and don't stop for ten minutes. Then **shut up**. Just let them talk. For however long they need. ### Move 2 — state their needs back, clearly When he worked with married couples, Marshall said something startling: > **80% of the time, all that you needed to fix a tough relationship — or determine it was impossible — is if you could state each other's needs clearly.** People are married for 20 years and can barely know each other, because they've never known what's going on in each other's heart — what their needs are, what their feelings are. So once they've been heard, state their needs back to them as cleanly as you can. *"I understand your needs. I understand you're frustrated, you're overwhelmed."* The reaction you're going for is *"shit, this guy gets me."* When you see that, you're ready for move 3. ### Move 3 — join the strategy together Only now do you get to the actual problem-solving. And the move is to join. > *"Obviously, I think we're agreeing the company needs to be moving faster. I think we both agree it needs to be moving faster, or needs to be somehow more flexible, or have a cultural shift. Now we can get creative about how to do that together."* Here's the principle that makes this work: > **Once you take needs together — in agreement — this invites creativity. Whereas jumping to strategies invites disagreement.** You agreed on the *need*. Now strategies are options, not threats. Then ask them first: *"Well, do you have any ideas?"* If they don't, that's easy: *"Well, may I propose one?"* If they do, lead with theirs: *"Let me hear yours for a moment, I can learn from that."* And after you've heard a few of theirs, you can offer: *"Let's consider — can we consider an alternative hypothesis as well?"* And at this point they've been heard so well that they'll say *"of course."* That's the whole flow. **Help them get above the line. Observation, feeling, need. Then state their needs back. Then join the strategy.** --- ## Marshall Rosenberg's tricks, numbered The condensed pocket version, for re-reading on the way into a hard conversation. | # | Trick | Phrase to remember | |---|---|---| | 1 | **Observation → feeling → need → request.** | *"You can do better than saying sorry."* | | 2 | **Empathize first** — say their observation, guess one feeling, guess one need. | *"Step one — go into someone's garden."* | | 3 | **State the other person's needs back to them clearly.** | *"80% of tough relationships fixed by this alone."* | | 4 | **Then — and only then — join the strategy together.** | *"Needs in agreement invites creativity; strategy first invites disagreement."* | And the meta-rule that's also a teaching: > **Yes, it is so mechanical that you can do it and know exactly if you're doing it wrong. You can do it like a robot and it still works.** Now go practice it on yourself first.